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Life stories for minimum wage

individually wrapped sermons

Created on 2003-11-13 21:48:42 (#1459476), last updated 2008-04-04

8,986 comments received, 11,360 comments posted

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664 Journal Entries, 1 Tag, 0 Memories, 0 Virtual Gifts, 6 Userpics

Basic Info

Name:	Digga
Birthdate:	1983-06-27
Location:	Chicago (ex.Detroit, Michigan), Illinois, United States
Website:	"Goddamnit, who invited myspace to the party?"

Bio

Being born, living, and dying is a long, difficult, and time-consuming process that can take up to 112 years to complete. It involves a great deal of stress, unhappiness, and physical pain, and many participants give up long before finishing. But for those who have the perseverance and dedication, being born, living, and dying can be a deeply rewarding experience that they will carry with them forever. The purpose of this guide is to provide you with the skills and techniques you will need to be born, live, and die successfully and efficiently.

From Infancy to Adolescence to Middle Age to Old Age, topics include:

Healthy Body Image for infants...

As you begin to walk around the house, you will probably encounter your reflection in a mirror at some point. Don't be alarmed to find that you have a protruding belly, a double chin, rolling thighs, and a massive, chunky rear. This is entirely normal at this stage. Starting a vigorous fitness regime of jogging, active sports, and weight-lifting may help tone your figure somewhat, but do not attempt to diet. Even the most advanced, trendy new diets will harm your development at this stage, and Gerber does not currently offer low-carb alternatives in its wide variety of food-mush products. You won't need to really start obsessing about your obese, gelatinous figure until early adolescence.

Adolescent Romance...

Even though your sexual organs are not yet developed or active, it's not too early to start dabbling in the game of love. Develop childish crushes on girls you know. Pretend to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". Play "House". These silly displays of farcical romance will delight your parents, and will probably not be much different from your future adult relationships.

Starting College...

As soon as you graduate high school, you will start feeling the pressure to go to college. College can be a great place to grow up, learn, expand your mind, find yourself, do drugs, build for your future, spend thousands of dollars and hours on impractical degrees, get into Led Zeppelin, and father illegitimate children.

Middle Age Conversation...

If male:

1. Make work the primary topic of conversation. Talk about your respective occupations, exchange anecdotes and stories of work-related hardship. Complain about bosses, co-workers, customers, etc. Try not to let the conversation stray from this area.

2. Use a lot of well-worn phrases and old sayings, like "Same old same old" and "Oh, can't complain" (even though you can).

3. Frequently make references to the state of the world. Complain about politics, modern music, TV shows, gas prices, then nod or shake your head wearily, and say "Yep. That's how it is."

If female:

1. Talk about whatever it is middle-aged women talk about

Dying...

Now that you have completed all the stages from Birth to Old Age, you're ready for the final step: Dying. Toward the end of the Old Age phase, you will want to contract some terminal disease or condition to assist in your departure. While it is possible to accomplish the act of death without outside help by simply being too old, having a fatal condition helps make the dying process quicker and more efficient. Some popular conditions are Cancer, Stroke, and Heart Attack. Unnatural causes such as falling down stairs or blindly backing out into oncoming traffic can also be highly effective.

-Isaac Marion

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This is just a space on someone else's screen, the space is much smaller than my closet which is now empty. A few months in the making it has no intention of ever being perfect or complete. It is just something to keep me busy. At times poetic, at times pointless. It is a way to say that "I exist" or "I am here" except I don't know where "here" is.

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